


The Exhausted Word

by pleasereadmeok



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-24 15:45:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3774334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasereadmeok/pseuds/pleasereadmeok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hey – I just came to see how you are. So how are you doing?”<br/>Alicia had been asked the same question over and over after pulling out of the SA job but this time instead of smiling and saying “I’m fine”, she burst into tears and blurted out, “Crappy!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Exhausted Word

**Author's Note:**

> Alicia has to resign from the SA job because of the e mail scandal. Finn would obviously be sympathetic and try to help her.

Finn sat in his car outside of Alicia’s building for a long time. He was in two minds whether to go to see her. Alicia was in trouble and he wanted to help but he hadn’t seen or heard from her in days. He knew it was a risk – that he might not be welcome. He had watched the coverage of the press conference and seen Peter at her side – holding her hand. Maybe he was wrong about his theory that it was just a marriage of convenience after all? It sure didn’t look like it. What the hell was he thinking? Finn felt he would only be intruding.

“Damn it!” He said out loud. _“I’m her friend and I’m concerned about her welfare. What is wrong with that?”_ He thought to himself. If Peter was there he’d just want to re-visit the usual macho competition and that was no help to Alicia right now. _“If Peter is there – just a quick visit. Just show her you are thinking of her but don’t show her how you really feel. Not now. Maybe not ever.”_ There never seemed to be the ‘right time’.

Finn stood in Alicia’s hall partially obscured by a large box.  
“Hey.”  
“Hey – I just came to see how you are. So how are you doing?”  
Alicia had been asked the same question over and over after pulling out of the SA job but this time instead of smiling and saying “I’m fine”, she burst into tears and blurted out, “Crappy!”  
“Oh god, Alicia. Come here.” Finn quickly put down the box on the hall table and put his arms around her. The unwritten ‘no touching’ rule that seemed to apply to them was forgotten as he held her. Finn took a deep breath of her scent - soap and something like chocolate. Being this close was wonderful. He was trying to convince himself that he wasn’t taking advantage of the situation and that he was just trying to console her. He stroked her hair and kissed into it as she tucked into his chest.  
“Come on. Please don’t cry. You’ll shrink my jacket if you carry on like this.” Finn said gently, trying to make her smile. It was misjudged and didn’t work.  
“I’m sorry.” Alicia started to sob again.  
His brow furrowed as he felt her crumple in his arms. He couldn’t bear her crying. He wanted to lift up her face and kiss away the tears from her eyes.  
“Oh hey – don’t worry – let’s go and sit inside. Oh – er – or is Peter here?”  
Through her tears Alicia looked confused. “No.”

They sat down next to each other and Alicia clung to him. Finn didn’t really know what to do. He folded her back onto his chest and waited for her to be ready to talk. Alicia was gradually comforted by the warmth of his body, his secure arms, the smell of his after-shave and was quiet.  
“I’ve just had to put on a happy face for everyone and when I saw you – I just…”  
In any other circumstance Finn would have been flattered that she chose him to show her real feelings to but now he couldn’t bear her unhappiness. He just wanted to make it better. “It’s been pretty shitty huh.” He gave her a sympathetic smile and squeeze. “But you really are OK. You have people who love you and want to help you. I know it seems bleak now but it will get better. You’ve been through much, much, worse than this.”  
Finn was right of course. Yes she had been through worse. Losing Will made her current troubles pale into insignificance. Alicia suddenly felt ashamed of her self-pity. Finn had been through much worse too and he was still here, smiling and happy most of the time. 

“I almost forgot – I’ve brought you something to cheer you up.”  
“Bourbon?”  
“No definitely not. Please don’t hide in a bottle Alicia. Promise me. I’ve done plenty of that and it just makes things worse. I thought you could hide in cake instead.”  
The box was full of her favourite cakes and pastries. As Alicia looked at them, for the first time in days, she laughed. “Are you trying to make me fat on top of everything else?!”  
Finn nodded. “Yes. Then there will be more of you to love.” He shifted awkwardly and swiftly changed the subject. “I’ll get you a plate.” He reluctantly let go of Alicia and went into the kitchen. _“Shit! Why did you say that?”_ He opened every cupboard until he found plates in the last one he tried.

When Finn returned to Alicia, she had not waited for a plate. Her mouth was already stuffed full and cream was spilling from her lips and all Finn wanted to do was to kiss them clean. He smiled and shook his head. “OK let’s forget the plate! Try this one – it’s new.”  
He passed Alicia another cake and she ate it like she was in ecstasy. It was like she was having an orgasm right in front of him and Finn felt just a little bit more awkward than had done before. 

“You can tell me anything you want.” He offered her the opportunity to talk or not. Either was OK with him.  
“Well, I suppose you read the e-mails.”  
“Actually no – I haven’t.”  
“Really? You must be the only person in Illinois who hasn’t!”  
“I didn’t want to. They were meant to be private so I didn’t see why I should read them.”  
Alicia looked at him open mouthed with a half eaten cake on display. “Wow – you really _are_ a good person. Well you know the background anyway.”  
“Mmm.” He nodded encouragement.  
“So now I’m the ‘bad wife’! Peter is the ‘saint’ and loving it… No… no that’s not fair. He’s been great, really supportive, but he has an agenda.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I think – I know – that he wants us to get back together.”  
Finn was a bit shocked by this revelation and couldn’t hide it. “Er. How do you feel about that?”  
“I … I can’t go back. I’m nostalgic for the good times but there’s been way too much crap to go back there.”  
Finn was relieved but tried not to show it. When Alicia had suggested dinner together and he had to admit he was seeing somebody – it was a body blow to him. He’d wanted to be with her for so long, waiting patiently for her to show an interest other than just being friends. Talk about bad timing! Now she was ‘free’ again – maybe?

“I think you need another cake. Here you go – Pistachio and Zucchini. Yum. Your favourite.” Finn held the slice of cake up to her eager mouth.  
“Mmm. Thanks so much for this. For the first time in days I feel like smiling. Oh – do you want some?” Alicia offered him a half eaten bit of cake. He sniggered. “Umm – I don’t think I should get between you and your cake!”

Finn watched Alicia eat and was reassured she would be fine now. His eyes wandered over her lips as she nibbled each bite; each crumb that fell onto her t- shirt; her breasts. He had to get out of there.

“Well.” Finn stood up purposefully. “I suppose I’d better leave you to …”  
“No! Please stay. Sorry – have you got to go?” Alicia’s eyes were pools of watery green and Finn was drowning in them. He could not refuse. He smiled weakly. “No. There’s no where else I need to be.”  
He resumed his position on the sofa and put his arm around her again as she snuggled into his side. Finn was just happy to be close to her. 

“You should have seen Eli’s face when it all came out!” Alicia laughed.  
“Jeez. I can imagine – red ears and ready to explode I bet! How about Grace and Zach – how are they?” She was so pleased that he asked – no one else had bothered.  
“They’re embarrassed as hell – having their mother’s sex life splashed over the papers.”  
“Yeah but embarrassing your kids is in a parent’s job description. You just did it on a grand scale!” Finn laughed and luckily Alicia laughed too this time. _“Yeah she’ll be OK”_ , he thought.  
“They’ll survive. Whether I’ll survive the embarrassment is another matter.”  
“Where is Grace anyway? I thought she’d be making you tea and…”  
“What?”  
“Sorry I was going to say something wildly inappropriate.”  
“What the hell – go ahead.”  
“I thought she’d be praying for your immortal soul!”  
Alicia giggled. “Well, between you and me I did overhear her.”  
“She’s a good kid – that’s so sweet.”  
“I thought so.”  
“So what happens next?”  
“I lick my wounds and try to find a job.”  
“Well I may have an idea.”  
“Really? What?”  
“Not now. Let’s concentrate on getting you fat.”  
“OK.” Alicia submitted and ate another cake with relish but this time she broke off a piece and handed it to Finn before she sunk her teeth into it.  
“Great. Sharing. That’s progress.” Finn joked but Alicia was miles away like she was working out some complicated problem.  
“ ‘More of me to love’ you said.”  
“Just a figure of speech.” Finn changed the subject again. “Do you want some tea to help wash down the cake? Not that it seems to be a problem!”  
“I’m so sorry. I haven’t offered you a drink or anything I’ve been so self absorbed.”  
“It’s fine. I’ll make some tea.”  
Yet again Finn looked in every logical cupboard in the kitchen and found tea and cups in the last one tried.  
He made tea exactly how she liked it and one for himself.

Alicia curled around the cup as he gave it to her and sipped her tea.  
“How about some TV or music to take your mind off things?” Finn picked up the remotes on the sofa and randomly pressed buttons. Accordion music filled the room. “OK maybe not.” He grabbed another remote in desperation. How many channels are there on TV? Each one he flicked to showed people hugging, kissing, having sex, getting married, having babies. _“Jesus, the whole fucking universe is against me!”_ , he thought. 

Alicia could see Finn was squirming. She grinned at him over her cup. “You’re not getting away with it that easily – ‘more of me to love’?”  
Finn gave in. He couldn’t hide it anymore. He flopped back into the sofa exhausted with the effort of hiding it. “You got me.”  
“Then why don’t you do something about it?”  
_“Yes. Why don’t I?”_ It was a question he had asked himself so many times. His answer was to lean in to kiss Alicia. It was everything he had hoped for – the feeling of her beautiful mouth; her soft lips; her tongue. 

Finn was falling deeper into the pit he had dug himself from the first moment he had set foot in Alicia’s bedroom and seen her big eyes and tear stained face over a year ago. From that moment he wanted to look after her, to save her. He had wanted this for so long but it had never been the ‘right time’. And now he knew he had to stop. All of the time he was kissing Alicia his brain was screaming, _“STOP! You mustn’t do this. Not like this. She’s vulnerable. You’re taking advantage. STOP!”_ But he couldn’t. The kisses became more urgent and they were both losing control. _“STOP!”_ Finn looked on not believing what he was doing – pulling off her t-shirt while she unbuttoned and unzipped him. _“Oh god she’s beautiful. STOP!"_ He took in the curve of her shoulders and her long throat waiting to be kissed and bitten. Finn undid her bra – he craved the sight of her breasts. _“STOP!”_ Before he could take it off her Alicia breathed into his ear, “Let’s go to bed.” He drew back a little and looked into her eyes. She was crying again. _“STOP!”_ He stopped. “Alicia?”  
“It’s OK. I’m OK. I want this.”  
_“Shit – she doesn’t want this – why is she crying? Damn it!”_ He could not believe what he was about to do. “No.” He said gently. “We need to stop. Alicia you’re hurting. You’re really vulnerable at the moment and it’s not the right time. We’re doing this for the wrong reasons. We have to stop.”  
“But I…”  
“No. Look at you. You’re crying. You’re upset. This isn’t right. You might want this now but tomorrow you’ll regret it and it will be awkward and I…” He choked. “I couldn’t stand that. It has to be for the right reasons, not just because you need someone to comfort you.”  
“But that’s not it – you don’t understand.” Alicia shifted to face him and held his hand. Finn could see that she was nervous – this was important. “When I asked you out, it wasn’t just a spur of the moment thing. I’d wanted it for a while but I just didn’t have the courage to start something new and then you said you were seeing somebody… After that I just buried it.”  
Now it was Finn’s turn to be open mouthed and incredulous. “So this isn’t just because you need…”  
“A pity fuck? No I promise you. No.” Finn slumped back on the sofa in shock while she continued. “I convinced myself that finding love again was not going to happen for me. I even said to Peter "Love" is a word that is so exhausted and that I wished it meant something to me. But really I was just so sure that I’d missed my chance I gave it up. And then I did some things… Finn…oh god…if I tell you I’m scared it will change how you feel about me. That’s why I was crying. I have to tell you because you’ll probably find out anyway. All of the time you were kissing me my brain was begging me to stop and tell you the truth.” Finn couldn’t help laughing – if only she knew that his brain was doing the same. She was crying even more now. Finn grabbed a handful of Kleenex from a box on the coffee table and mopped up her tears. She was shaking.  
“Alicia. What is it? You can tell me anything I promise I won’t judge.” _“Don’t judge.”_

Alicia took a deep breath. “After the election… I had a one night stand.” Finn felt like he had been punched. He dropped her hand as he heard the news. _“Fuck! Who?”_ As if she read his mind Alicia answered. “It was John…Elfman.” _“Fuck!”_  
“OK.” Finn quickly processed the words – one night stand - just once - she was full of regret – it was obvious – does it really matter? _“No.”_ He held her hand again. He hadn’t realised that she was still talking, still telling her something important. “…and I almost convinced myself that I loved him again.” _“Fuck – who? Elfman?”_  
“Sorry – who?”  
“Oh – Peter.”  
“So did you...”  
“No!” She laughed. “God no.”  
“Right – so you were crying because you were scared to tell me that?”  
“Yes.”  
“Um.” Finn shrugged and surprised himself when he said, “I can understand why it happened. I can't help feeling a bit jealous, but I do understand. It doesn’t change how I feel about you.” It surprised him because it was the truth. It didn’t really matter. He still loved her.  
Alicia’s face transformed before him. Her misery turned into happiness and Finn knew that it was definitely the ‘right time’ now.

**Author's Note:**

> Pistachio and Zucchini cake - or Pistachio and Courgette cake in the UK - trust me it's delicious!
> 
> The 'no touching' thing is weird - don't you kiss and hug friends hello in the U.S.? I think it is SO significant that they don't do that - like they're afraid to.


End file.
